Here we go again…

Along with the ‘New Year, New Me’ bollocks brigade (think Davina, Louise Redknapp et al), comes the ‘New Year, New (read ‘recycled’) predictions for the housing market’. Mmmm. Pythia-the high priestess of the temple of Apollo at Delphi-better known as the Oracle of Delphi, a little like myself-the Oracle of Cwmbran-has been surpassed in her ability to predict the future by many ‘experts’of the property business. For those smart arses among you, yes, that could be seen as a contradiction in terms. First out of the gate was the pulchritudinous Sarah Beeney who has stated that house prices will increase by 2-3% in the coming months. If she is that confident in her soothsaying, why is she still running Tiepelo and arranging smart weddings? She could simply stake all her money on a spread bet and I am sure any of the big four would accommodate her. Not to be seen dwelling at the start (if he does, he needs headgear), is Russell Galley, managing director of the Halifax. He goes for a slightly more cautious 0-3% increase by the end of 2018. Tell me Russell, were you able to predict that my Halifax shares that were once worth £11.00 our now worth 67p?

Hometrack (the clue is in the title boys and girls) predict lots of things and use the words ‘could and ‘maybe’ quite a lot; just as I could become Mr Minogue and maybe if there is some sort of apocalyptic day of the dead where by only tall, balding men with a penchant for garish golfing trousers and Gucci loafers who live in the NP4 postcode are to be spared, just maybe, I could become leader of the free world. Anyway, back to Hometrack and their tracking of house prices in London, that-wait for it-have gone up 70% since 2009. I wonder if anyone at the aforementioned  tracking organisation  said in 2009 that they were going to have a right punt because they envisaged prices rising by 70% over the next 8 years? Yeah right.

Not to be outdone, Lucien Cook of Savills has gone balls out for a 5 year prediction. Can anyone tell me what he predicted in 2013? No, me neither. Lucien starts by saying  that,”uncertainty over what Brexit means for the UK economy…” Er, Lucien, the FTSE 100 closed yesterday at the year end at its highest price ever. Back to you Mr Cook.

What can be predicted with the regularity of  Simon Cowell being photographed prancing about the beach in the Caribbean, or the line up for Strictly Come Prancing including someone from Eastenders, someone from Holby City/Casualty, someone old, some compete dud who has the ballroom skills of a walrus and a former teenybopper pop star, is that nobody has a $%*ing  clue about what will happen in the property market.

What also irked the Oracle was a release by Jeremy ‘I will be PM by Christmas’ (er, which Christmas would that be?) Corbyn who now wants an end to ‘no fault evictions’ ie Section 21’s. Let me enlighten you Jeremy, try getting a property back when it is is the tenant’s fault. If you ever wondered where all the social workers and housing charity workers hide, try issuing a Section 8 and they will appear like the cavalry at Little Big Horn. If a landlord wants to sell his property for whatever reason; paying for their child’s education, funding a busload of illegal immigrants to stay in a smart hotel or even making a substantial donation to the Labour Party, may I ask what or how Jeremy and his his marxist-in-chief McDonnell plan to do to stop this? And a happy, healthy and prosperous new year to you all.